Undercover Control Freak

I must admit, that on the surface, I don't think I come across as your stereotypical control freak. My room is nearly always in a state of chaos, I am renowned for being late, and I can sometimes leave the house channeling what can only be described as Worzel Gummidge chic. Yet, lurking sinisterly behind this outward display that I am seemingly content with the mess of life (#hotmess), there appears to lie quite the control freak.

As with most of my newfound knowledge these days, this pearl of wisdom came to me via the medium of the podcast. I was listening to Dolly Alderton (my life guru) on Elizabeth Day's How To Fail. Dolly relays to Elizabeth stories from her childhood, school years and early working life, and reveals to us how failure, in some way or another, has had a strong emphasis on where she finds herself today. It was only in the last ten minutes of the podcast that they touch on her romantic life, and boy, was I enlightened. At the ripe old age of 28, I think I can finally recognise that my constant internal monologue, and dreamy romantic musings of how my love life will unfold, has ultimately put a massive spanner in the works in how my love life actually unfolds.

Dolly describes that after a year of deliberate celibacy, some solid work in therapy, she was ready to reenter the world of love. She goes onto say that she had written this utterly charming script in her head of what kind of partner she would now like to meet, what kind of partner she herself would like to be, and how all of this would wonderfully fit in with the self made narrative of her life - 'I'm here, I'm ready, here I am world, throw me the man!' She explains that in reality, no matter how much awareness and understanding you have of yourself, no matter how beautiful and well versed you seem to be, under no circumstances can you control the actions and thoughts of the other party. They too have their own story to contend with, their own emotional baggage, and all that we can really do is be kind, honest, and relinquish the control.

And so, as much as we may think that our violent daydreaming is somehow charming, it can also be our own worst nightmare. Not only does it put pressure on yourself, but also the person (not character) standing in front of you. Quite simply, be true to who you are, and if it doesn't work out, understand that it was out of your control, and relish the fact that you actually now have the time and opportunity to stumble upon some new instead. As Elizabeth beautifully articulates at the end of her conversation with Dolly, love is essentially about opening yourself up to failure - you cannot love unless you are fully vulnerable. Essentially, free yourself from the constraints of your dreamy, yet fundamentally limiting internal narrative, and let the love blossom accordingly.